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Ten Stupid Things I Did as a Kid
Not in chronological order.
Drove my Fisher-Price car down the steps. Repeatedly.
Granted, I was a toddler at the time, and there were only three steps, but they ended on a very shiny, very HARD polished brick floor.
Dumped a tuna sandwich into my mother’s bathwater.
She was using the bath beads that turn the water blue, and I think I wanted to see if the sandwich would also turn blue. Or I wanted to feed the imaginary crab. And yes, mom was IN the bath at the time.
Went sledding down the switchbacks above Georgetown, CO.
Because playing on a freeway that consists of a string of blind curves isn’t enough. To make it really stupid, one must do it when the surface of the road is three feet thick with packed snow and ice.
Ate an entire stash of Communion wafers.
I blame my cousin Joey for this one (also, he helped with the eating). And Uncle Eugene, who should have had more sense than to leave his door unlocked. Having the fear of God put into you takes on a whole new dimension when your uncle is a priest who works at the Vatican.
Carved my initials into an antique table.
I had just learned how to write the letter “M”, and I was practicing, by using car keys to trace M’s on the leaf of my grandmother’s drop-leaf table. There’s a reason it was against the wall for most of my life.
Picked every petal off a candle that was either a bird or a flower, and smeared them onto the surface of another table.
Wax and unfinished wood really do NOT mix well.
Hid all the wooden spoons in my grandmother’s house.
Perfect child logic. She cannot threaten to hit you with something she cannot find. However, this only increased the Italian curses hurled in my direction.
Used magic-marker to give a doll eye-liner.
And then used Windex to remove it, thus removing all traces of said doll’s painted-on eyes and lips. Faceless dolls are really kind of creepy.
Crossed a creek by walking across ice.
Yes, it was a fast-moving creek. Yes, the water would have been over my head. No, the ice was NOT always thick enough to support three ten year olds. But really, who wanted to go fifty feet farther just to use a bridge? And having cold wet feet all day was punishment enough. Well, that and the falling through the ice right at the bank that caused the wet feet.
Hired hit-men in fourth grade.
Okay, they were only sixth-graders, but they were sixth-graders who were on track for time in Juvenile Hall anyway. And it only cost $5. And the kid they beat up on my behalf was REALLY annoying.
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Anyone else wanna play?